Saturday, March 19, 2016

A Lesson in Love.

I think most people hope to meet someone that fills their heart up, makes them smile and gives them butterflies. At least, that’s what I always wanted. 

In high school, I never really dated. I went on a date or two, but that was about it. Even during my first year of college, I never dated. I didn’t really put myself out there and it wasn’t something I was all that worried about. I figured I would date when the right guy came along…and that’s exactly what I did. 

I fell in love, and I fell hard and fast. We worked together and saw each other nine hours a day, five days a week. The first couple weeks of dating were amazing and I was completely head-over-heels happy. After the first month or so of dating, our relationship moved long-distance and, at the same time, the first big lie was revealed. But I loved him so much I worked hard to move past it. We dated for seven months and had a lot of good times together, and I don’t regret much of any of it. 

But it’s hard to accept the fact that the only person you’ve ever loved constantly lied to you the entire time you loved them. I was lied to about important things and unimportant things, so it made believing anything nearly impossible. As much as I didn’t want to question things about my relationship, it’s all I did. 

And it was exhausting. And it was heartbreaking. And at some point, I realized enough is enough. It took a lot for me to finally walk away and it took even more for me to realize there was no going back after it was over.

I deserved better. I lost myself trying to make sense of my relationship. It’s scary how quickly we can lose ourselves in something we want to work so badly, and we don’t realize it until after it’s over. The day after we broke up, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

But like I said, I don’t regret my first relationship. I learned a lot about myself. And as backwards as it might sound, I gained more self-confidence and sense of control over my life. But most of all, I learned what I really wanted out of love: respect and honesty. 

I’m not going to pretend to know a lot about love and relationships, as you can tell probably tell my first rodeo was quite the disaster, but what I do know is that everyone deserves to be loved deeply, truly and honestly. And we should never accept anything less than that. 

Also, trust yourself. I learned the hard way to trust myself and listen to that little voice inside my head that tried warn me that something was wrong. If I had just trusted myself a little more at the beginning of my relationship, I think I would have avoided a lot of heartache. But things were just so good, I didn’t want to listen to my gut and ruin things prematurely. 

Looking back, I honestly don't know what wasn't a lie in my relationship. I've figured out more lies since the breakup and, at this point, I just laugh about the absurdity of it all. My first relationship was with a compulsive liar--not sure how many people can say that. 

Regardless, I got to experience what it means to truly love someone, and, until that happens again, it's something I'll be forever grateful for. 

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